How to talk with teenagers

(and any human, for that matter)

“My kid won't listen to me”

Having taught in or led high schools for 25 years, while raising two children of my own, I've learned a thing or two about talking with teens.

My first question to the phrase, “My kid won't listen to me,” is, “Do you listen to your kid?” 

Here's a framework I’ve developed to talk with a teen.

**1. Listen Actively:** The first and most important step is to truly listen to your teen. Notice, that you are not expecting your teen to listen first. Humans learn with models. You be the model for your teen and actively listen.

Active listening involves giving your teen full attention. Put your phone away, make eye contact, nod to show understanding, and ask relevant questions to draw out your teen’s perspective. Avoid distractions and show genuine interest in what they're saying, even if it seems trivial to you. Listening intently will help you understand your teen's priorities and emotions.

**2. Affirm Areas of Strength:** Teenagers face criticism from almost every sphere, including peers, teachers….and you. As a parent, be the voice of encouragement and support for your child. They get plenty of criticism, it's your job to help them process that criticism. Look for areas of strength and positively acknowledge their accomplishments, interests, and abilities. Remember, the 5:1 rule: affirmations should outnumber critiques five-to-one to create a positive environment and build confidence.

As adults, we all have our parents running reels in our heads, and often we hear our parents’ words coming out of our mouths.

Let the reel that will play in your adult child's head to be one of encouragement to go beyond, not criticism that limits initiative.

**3. Give Thoughtful Input:** As parents, we naturally want to offer advice and guidance. However, the key is to find the right timing and approach. Notice that input is important, but it only comes after the first two steps.

In our busy lives, we must proactively seek opportunities to have meaningful conversations with our teens about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Share your insights and wisdom with humility, allowing them to think critically to make wise decisions.

Remember, your teen is a unique individual, not your clone. The teen years are a process that establishes the child's unique identity separate from the parent. Be a guide in this process.

Do your best to avoid the extremes of either the hyper critical drill sergeant or the fawning fanboy. Be a parent.

This approach will foster a deeper connection and you will likely find that this approach produces an adult that is very different than you imagined when they were born, but one that is confident with a good relationship that will last a lifetime.

Building a healthy relationship with your teenager requires intentionality and understanding. Be present, affirm strengths, and provide thoughtful input to create an atmosphere of trust and open communication. Embrace this privilege of parenting with love, compassion, and patience, and watch your relationship with your teen flourish. Remember, you're raising an adult, not a child, and your influence will have a profound impact on their future.

weLeaders are leaders in every sphere of influence, and family is the most important. Be intentional about your interactions and you will see a relationship develop and your leadership in this area flourish.

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Dan Tubbs

weLead Growth and Development